Thursday, September 22, 2016

An introduction to the Imp

This blog might seem seem very arrogant. "Who wants to read your life's story? You're not that interesting and you are just making yourself seem bigger then you arm" my inner critic says to me. But I am doing this primarily for myself, and if others care then I am glad to be informative I suppose. Online I go by Imperator, or Imp. This is a hopefully short biography of the important events in my life as well as general information. I hope to keep this concise hopefully.

I was born near the city of Osaka, in Japan. I was born to what I would consider a greatly fortunate circumstances. I was born to parents who were very wealthy, and who loved me dearly. My family is wonderful, and the place I was born was lovely. As far as I was concerned, I have been, I would go so far as to say, blessed in the circumstances of my birth. There was only one problem really. Me. or more specifically, my health.

I have had and to this day have a number of health problems. I am frail and of weak constitution, to the extent that I become exhausted walking for 20 minutes or going up a hill. I am small and slender, which is a very attractive physique to have in Japan for a girl, but can certainly be physically exhausting. I have other health problems as well, my nose has always been congested to the point that until lately, I have been unable to smell and have had trouble breathing through my nose. I am told that when I was an infant my eyes also had problems. I had poor coordination, and fell easily. Beyond these physical problems were mental problems. I was noted as having poor impulse control, and consequently a lack of control over my emotions. I also have a very sensitive "mimicking function." If you are unaware, a mimicking function is the function that allows the brain to mentally replicate the sensations it sees other people are experienced and is the cornerstone of empathy. Having too sensitive of a one causes undue duress at seeing other people in pain or suffering.

I relate these problems not to evoke sadness in the reader. The last thing I want to do is promote sadness, I mention them as much of it will become relevant later on. Regardless of all these things I was quite happy with my life for the most part. My parents acted as saints to me, I didn't ask for much really because I was quite happy with my circumstances and consequently when I did ask for things they would essentially always give them to me. I should probably speak of my parents for a bit.

My father was a very cheery man, very witty and always had a joke or laugh for every problem. More then anything, he taught me to face problems with a smile, to try and find the humor in situations. He worked in technology, though the exact position changed at different times. He was quite successful.

My mother was a calm, spiritual woman. She loved animals and children. It is from her that I learned to bake which I quite enjoy. I learned from her more then anything, how to be understanding of others, understand and help them. She worked part-time, tutoring children. She most often stayed home and took care of myself and my sibling.

From both of them, I learned that despite my abundance, I should be kindly towards those with less, that we all have a role to play. Taking advantage of my young desire to be a princess they reminded me that "a proper princess cares for her people".

Because of my physical frailties, I spent much of my childhood indoors, reading novels and manga, and watching Anime. In particular I watched Shoujo often. For those who don't know, Shoujo is an Anime/Manga Demographic aimed at younger females. Shoujo often featured girls somewhat older then I was then or the same age. These girls were cool and did dramatic things. I saw them somewhat as older sisters, and wanted to be like them. In particular I was drawn towards the Magical Girl genre as I am well known for my love of know. Seeing ordinary girls transform into Cool, Powerful, Hyperfeminine Heroines made me want to transform like them too. I have been a rather feminine girl for a very long time, but watching and reading Shoujo left on me a very strong impression of what femininity was, and it was more then anything the thing I wanted to be. When I was young what I wanted was to be a princess, and when I grew a bit older what I wanted to be was a housewife and mother. The thought made me very happy, that I could stay home, make a calm harmonious environment, love my husband and children.....

I should talk about my schooling days. Early on in my schooling days, I was considered a really good student by my professors. I was always eager to show off how well I did at stuff. In early elementary I even did well at Arithmetic multiplication and division, which the other girls in my class thought was hard I did really well at. The one thing my teachers stressed though was about my impulse control problem, in particular that I shouted out things, which was very embarrassing for me.

The major health incidents didn't start till Second Grade. The mimicking function in my brain was very overactive. It's been a while so it's hard to remember what exactly caused it. The thing that always seemed to be connected however is that I'll be hearing about loss of control of oneself. We will hear in class about something causing a person to change, their consciousness to change. It.....upset me.....I...I felt like I couldn't breathe, there was darkness and spinning. I had a seizure.

If you don't know what a seizure is, have you ever heard that myth that humans only use 10% of their brain and therefore we could be so much smarter? The truth is that is not how it works. The brain is specialized, and different parts do different things. Claiming you'd be smarter if you accessed more is akin to saying you'd type better if you banged on every key at once. There is actually a time when every part of a human's brain is active at once. It's called a seizure.

During a seizure, your body will faint and then shake and writhe uncontrollably as the brain don't know what the hell is going on and tries to activate everything at once. There is large potential for the body to be damaged from this event. Afterwards the person will lay still, before eventually coming too. I hear it's horrible to watch. It's definitely horrible to experience. When you are emerging from a seizure, you gain consciousness but not connection to your sense. Imagine waking up from sleep only to realize you can't feel anything at all. Not even your body. Your eyes won't open even if you could feel them, and you can't hear anything.  There is less of a sense of space or time. It would be almost a mystical experience if it wasn't so horrific.

I have had 5 seizures in my life. Two in 6th Grade. Two in 8th Grade. 1 in 9th Grade. I have learned many defenses against it and now if I start feeling upset and short of breathe I remove myself from the situation. These events are important to me because they have very shaped my worldview.

I want nothing to do with mind-altering substances. I get nervous around medical drugs and gases for surgery. I am certainly never going to touch anything with alcohol, or smoking, or recreational drugs. Anything that involves a shifting consciousness. I have a very noticeable fear of darkness, "coldness", silence, isolation. The things I recall from that void of returning to consciousness. I enjoy hugging and closeness to people, I enjoy recreational sex often, when I am at my house I will be talking to multiple people online, all these things and more because they all involve an intimacy with someone, feeling someone else around makes me happy, especially if I can make them happy. I feel very happy at making other people happy, keeping people close to me.

Because of my friendly nature, as well as my...what I might dare call natural charisma and humor, the other students in my class really liked me. I was very popular in school. I was never bullied or picked on really. If you want to be cynical "realistic", I guess at some level no one wanted to be "that *sshole that picked on the sick girl". The girls in my class were quite happy to be my friends and the boys were usually polite and cordial to me. It might have helped that I had some rather early development on my chest... ;)

Another thing that made me popular was my very giving nature. I was and still often am, for reason unknowable, very hungry despite my build. I ate lots and so mother taught me how to cook rather early. Because of this I often had good food to eat which I shared with my friends at school. I also always had some spending money due to my relative wealth, which I also shared with others.

Despite my popularity, I was a bit withdrawn, especially with boys and didn't have much in terms of romantic relationships. I had a few, and indeed my first boyfriend was back in fifth grade but I didn't date that much. Speaking of which, I should probably talk a bit about my orientation for a second.

I am a bisexual. Girls being in romantic relationships with each other when very young is considered normal in Japan, and it's seen as "practice" for relationships with boys. So I was in pseudo-romantic relationships with "straight" girls for a while before fifth grade. That said unlike what certain people expected I never "grew out of it". I still like both boys and girls to this day. There wasn't really a moment I knew or coming out per se. I just never was not bi.

That said, I'm not sure I had ever considered wanting a serious relationship with a girl. I am too invested in the male-female union and the creation of children. I would go to marry a man, and one I met rather early on. Indeed I first found out about his existence in 6th grade, and really got the hots for him in 7th. He was a senpai, two grades ahead of me. He was extroverted and ambitious and clearly one of the more masculine students in our school.  This is the man I would eventually go on to marry, though we didn't get into a relationship for quite a while.

In upper schooling, I had difficulty with the more logical subjects like math, but did pretty well in general, in particular with English which was once of the reasons it was first suggested to me that I study at an American College. My English is....mixed. I have been complimented on my writing before, and it's alright I suppose. I can write English ok though they are still clearly problems. It's speech that is harder. When I have to speak in English, I don't have as much time to consider what I'm putting down and it getes even worse in pressure. Especially with a thicker accent I sound....kinda dumb in English.

"I um....I think that I ..... I....I want to say that I agree...because.........."
You see the problem?

 I started taking small jobs in Upper School. Mostly because my parent had suggested it to me, as a way of helping my confidence problem. I went through....almost an angsty stage in High School but also sorta the exact opposite of an angsty stage. Instead of thinking the world is so terrible, I started thinking that the world is so great....and I'm so terrible. With all my flaws, I was clearly the problem. It had always felt like I was just incompetent and yet everyone was always so nice to me, always tried to help me regardless. To some extent, these views stick with me.

In that same period I started thinking about what I wanted to do besides being a housewife and mother. If there was some part-time job I even wanted to do to help support my family, or do after I had raised my children. I felt a natural proclivity towards writing. I enjoyed telling stories, and I enjoyed art. I had read much when I was young. Writing was something I could do from my home, and was doable part time and in my later years after I had completed my task in raising my children. So from there I went to liberal arts schools in the United States, as I was recommended to go there.

Oh Dear.

Liberal Arts Colleges have not made a very good impression on me. They are from my experience ideological echo chambers. I had one particularly nasty experience at the first of the 2 schools I went to. That said I do think my writing improved significantly.

I spent much of my time there with the Jewish Students there, of which there was a significant portion. They were quite admirable! Studious, hard-working, intellectual, critical of the echo chamber. The Jewish faith is something I have found personal virtue in. I found myself in their company often, and I believe that has shaped me some as well. I became somewhat more critical and moderate, as well as more hard-working.

So I spent my 4 years there. However, during my second year there I was unexpectedly called home. My mother passed away. My father was in shock and became a ghost of his former self, at which point I had to care for him. It was......a very challenging part of my life. I don't like talking about it much.

So a few years passed and college ended, I got a degree in Writing. That Summer I got married to my now husband, and became pregnant with his child.

That was a few months ago. And now here I am.

I guess I should explain one more thing. Since the people who will see this will mostly likely be my vs. community buddies, I wanted to quickly talk about how I got into vs. debating.

So back in 9th to 11th grade or so I was involved in writing fanfiction, especially crossover fanfiction. For one in particular I need to know who would win between Goku and Sailor Galaxia (don't judge me).

So I was on the web and found this interesting American video about the two fighting which concluded that Galaxia would win. This video was made by a few people, one of which was Bruce Octavius, or Nevermind as he is known now. From that video I found a thread on the old Anime Vice Forums discussing it. From there I lurked on Anime Vice and the OBD for a while, which helped improve my English and got me interested in this whole "vs" idea. I joined them and thus it began.

So now you know my general history. You have a pretty good idea of who I am and major influences on me. When I do certain things, I think you will have a better understanding why I do what I do, and act as I act. I am mostly here because I have a desire to bring happiness to people, and to connect and bond with people.

No comments:

Post a Comment