Mini-Death Prediction: Yogsquest 1 Battle Royale

It was the age of heroes....unfortunately none of them were available. And so the town of Wook was forced to rely on a group of level 1 noobs, the "worst D&D party ever assembled". Despite their (many) shortcomings, the party managed to uncover the nefarious plot behind the Jabbafiend. But if the party had come to blows, who would win?

Honeydew:

Backstory:

Honeydew, also called Simon, is a simple minded dwarven fighter from the land of Khaz Modan. He's a gloryseeker, setting out to find glory and become a hero as well as to "kick some *ss, kill some sh*t, loot their bodies....eat their remains...on a spitroast". His ultimate goal however is to dig a hole. As Lewis points out "it's a humble aspiration."

Strength:

Simon's great power is just his strength. He is the strongest member of the party, stronger then Pretty Margaret as he has a strength of 17 while she only has a strength of 15 and is vastly stronger then the other two members. 

Durability:

Honeydew has the most durability feats of the party. He survived falling down a hill previously established to be 25 feet (~7.6 meters). He survived being bitten on the arm by a mimic-door and being cooked in an oven.

Along with the rest of the party he also survived a shockwave that affected an entire dungeon. 

Mobility:

While he is not the fastest or the most noble, Honeydew's simplicity of thought seems to give him the fastest ability to react to events. Upon entering a room with a sign saying only one may exit, Honeydew ran forth and pulled the lever before anyone else on his party could react.  

Purity of Heart/Bravery:

In his introduction Honeydew admits he is not the smartest or the wisest but claims he's brave and pure of heart. By all appearences this seems to be well agreed on, with even the Dungeon Master calling him a "noble dwarf" and Sjin identifiying that it was not the real Simon because "I knew the real Simon couldn't be a massive coward!"

Equipment:

Honeydew primarily uses a greataxe and seems to wear a metal helmet. He also aquired a hammer called the Slimeslayer 5000 that does 2x damage on slimes. 

Mental Skills:

Honeydew has occassional moments of mental clarity where he thinks on the level of most people. Beyond that he seems to be a proficient fighter and has even learned the fighting technique "Cleave" which lets him hit all people in the room at once. 

Also like the rest of his party he can break the fourth wall as shown by the constant interviews of his character. 

Weaknesses: 

When Honeydew confessed he was neither the smartest or the wisest, he was not kidding. He has 5 intelligence and can neither read or speak properly. He can get his lefts and rights mixed up and thought gerbils had taken over the town of Wook. 

Beyond that, he's a clumsy dwarf and is impulsive. Also he's rather vain, calling a clone of himself the most beautiful creature he has ever seen. This along with his desire for glory is likely why he feels the need to lie about his achievement claiming to have killed 40,000 Jabbawoks and that he didn't fall down the hill, it was a tactical move. 

Personality:

Honeydew acts as the spirit of the party, the impulse to act, the fire blazing the way forwards. He is the most direct and simplest of their group, and in both combat and conversation will prefer to brute force his way forward. That said his humble honesty in his intent is likely why he is considered pure of heart. 

Duncan:

Backstory:

Duncan is a Gnome Wizard. His old wizard friend Gondorf gave him a magical ring of power when he was very young. Gondorf told him he shoudl take it to the pit of oblivion and cast it in. Duncan didn't want to and smothered Gondorf in his sleep, taking the ring of power for himself, giving him his magical powers. He is now allies with the Yogsquest party for his own protection and purposes.

Strength:

Duncan is the weakest of the party, though he actually does have a few strength feats. He burst out of his robes revealing a muscular frame and with his staff was able to crush a skull. Duncan and Sjin together were able to push a large stone slab that was stated to have tired Pretty Margaret to push, suggesting their strength while signifigantly lower might not be completely outclassed by hers.

Durability:

Duncan was able to survive a fireball to the chest from a Goblin and alongside the rest of the party survived near the center of a shockwave that affected a dungeon. 

Mobility:

Duncan is naturally highly nimble as a gnome. He was able to dodge the enraged blow of Sjin, the two of them being clearly the most nimble members of Yogsquest, showing he is the most agile of them. 

Enhanced Smell:

Duncan is described as having a "keen sense of smell".

Magic:

Duncan has hypothetically numerous magical abilities from his ring of power. These include

Detect Magic: Numerous times, Duncan senses the presence of magic. (1)(2)(3)

Fireball: Duncan's most famous spell. Twice per day, Duncan can conjure a giant wall of fire from his hands. These are large and powerful enough to do drastic damage to a Gelatinous Cube that Honeydew's strength did not kill.

Illuminate: Once per day, Duncan can create a light that can light up a room.

Telekinesis: Duncan's most infamous spell. Once per day, Duncan can telekinetically move a small object like a hat or a rat. This is powerful enough to splat a rat against a wall.

Duncan also possesses a scroll that can cast Fear, which likely imbues an enemy with fear.

Equipment:

Duncan obviously has his ring of power that allows him to cast his magic and is implied to hold a far greater power. He usually wields a staff as a weapon. Despite being a "crossbow enthusiast" he does not actually use one as the last time he tried it nearly killed him.

He also has the detached arm of a robot which he can use as a weapon. This can be used to crush a goblin's head much easier then he did with his staff. He is also in possession of owl oil and a flint which he can hypothetically use to make fire.

Mental:

Duncan is likely the smartest of the party, perceptive and knowledgable. It is said his knowledge is invaluable to the party. He was able to easily identify 3 differnet magical scrolls and when they had arrived to the small town of Wook, he already had knowledge of the town's nature showing his breadth of knowledge.

Weaknesses:

Duncan is actually infamously somewhat inept as a wizard, not at all in control of the power of his ring. Half the time his spells fizzle entirely or he loses control of them as shown when he accidentally splattered Sjin's rat against a wall with his telekinesis.

Also he's physically not much of a threat. He is described as relatively weak and has a strength of 6 which is the lowest of the party. Also when he was fighting a mimic-door, literally a sentient door, he actually missed when he tried to hit it. He's very much not a physical fighter.

Personality:

Duncan is not malevolent but he is self interested to the point of willing to cause death and pain to others to secure power and safety for himself. He acts as the pragmatic voice of the party, and with his intellect is good at thinking through tricky problems.

Sjin the Rat King:

Backstory:

Sjin was born to a pair of unloving Elvish parents who flushed him down the toilet as a baby. He was raised by rats and is now an outspoken advocate for the little creatures. He joined yogsquest as a bonding activity with his adopted rat father.

Strength:

Duncan and Sjin were able to push a stone slab that tired Pretty Margaret to move suggesting she hasn't totally eclipsed them in strength. Also after Duncan accidentally telekinetically killed his rat dad, Sjin attempted to strike and seriously harm Duncan, suggesting his strength should scale to his durability.

Durability:

Sjin even as a baby was able to survive being flushed down the toilet and like the rest of his party survived near the epicenter of a shockwave that affected the entire dungeon.

Sjin the Rat King has also enhanced general survivability compared to the others due to his almost feral nature. He was suggested to be immune to most diseases that would exist in a sewer due to his upbringing in one. 

Mobility:

Sjin was able to nimbly land after falling down a 15 foot (~4.57 meter) drop and in general has a high dexterity.

Magic:

According to Sjin, his beautiful beard is a product of "Druidic Magic." As a druid, Sjin has numerous other bits of magic, mostly related to his affinity with rats his friends and extended family. He can communicate with them and once per day summon one at will. They are well acknowledged as the best players of the game.

Beyond that Sjin has "Read Magic" which allows him to understand magical effects and has a very low level of healing with his "Virtue" magic.

Equipment:

Sjin the Rat King uses little equipment for he is a creature of nature. He only wields a staff though at one point he also got "a pair of tight pink panties" they had found.

Mental:

Duncan may be the smartest member of the party, but Sjin is the wisest. He is well known for his perceptiveness and was the one who could tell something was off when Honeydew was replaced by an illusory clone. He was aware the door they fought was a mimic and was called the "great rat detective."

Weaknesses:

Sjin was raised by rats and has a terrible ability to fit in with humans, having the inhumanly low charisma of 4. His appearence is one of a terrifying sewer rat-man. 

He's also not really a fighter in nature. In combat he attempted to "karate kick" a mimic, a sentient door and completely missed. Probably because of his rat upbringing he is not very brave and once defecated himself and fainted at the sight of a particularly scary illusion.

Personality:

Sjin the Rat King is the moral conscious of the Yogsquest. Knowing the experience of being unloved and outcasted, he was the one who objected to Wook's cruel treatment of owls, and who had moral pangs about stealing from the shopkeeler and killing the living skull creature. Outside of that as a druid and as a rat-man he is connected to nature as you'd expect.

Pretty Margaret Battered-Bottom:

Backstory:

Pretty Margaret was a member of the 69th Orcish Legion: Entertainment Division with a superhuman beauty and talent for music. One day she played music so good it wiped out her entire legion and she was transported possibly by some unknown deity to a strange new land for purposes unknown where she met up with the other members of the party.

Strength:

With her natural orcish strength, Margaret is the second physically strongest of the Yogsquest, with a strength of 15. She was able to split a mimic in half by smashing it with her magical lute and more famously she punched the same mimic in the *ss so hard that it sent a shockwave across the dungeon. As the dungeon contains many large rooms and several layers it was likely this was at least a building level feat.

Durability:

Nothing really notable outside of surviving her own shockwave at literally point blank.

Enhanced Charisma:

Has a ridiculously superhuman charisma of 17. She is so beautiful that she can mesmerize people with her beauty and seeing her bosom caused a shopkeep to collapse in shock.

Magic:

As a bard, Margaret can cause various magical effects with her music. She can inspire people to greater heights and gave the party an extra hit point. Her music can manipulate people mentally like manipulating the goblin to not notice Sjin rummaging through the cupboards and mind controlled Wrinkleface into pulling their cart and thinking she was a pony. She can also play a magical lullaby that can put people to sleep and once per day can summon a new magical instrument.

Oh and like in her backstory, she can create electric riffs that can rip apart whole legions. 

Equipment:

Uses a Bilgewater cutlass as her weapon and also of course has her electrified magical lute which she plays her music on.

Mental:

Somehow found the *ss of a mimic that was a door at the time. She is particularly good at finding the *ss of things to punch because it's like her mom always told her... It's also possible she has some fighting skill being an orc and of the orcish legion, even if entertainment division.

Weaknesses:

Margaret's biggest weakness by far is her lack of caring. She is not really prone to putting in effort when she doesn't have too and often simply doesn't notice things that are happening. When Honeydew burst out of an oven and a terrifying Minotaur and Wraith appeared she was just tuning her instrument not noticing and when the rest of the party was in danger she decided to take a nap.

Margaret is actually not the most dexterous or agile. She has a dex bonus of -1 and as such is not very agile and doesn't have great aim. She also can be somewhat vain about her appearence and things that can't hear her music aren't affected by it.

Personality:

Margaret is a rather full of herself rock star who knows too well how good she is. She has an attitude of being too cool for whatever antics are happening and only intervents to look cool. Nonethless her musical inspiration, the air she puts on, calls the rest of the party to rise to her level, even if it's a bit smoke and mirrors.

Alright the combatants are set, it's time for a MINI DEATH PREDICTION

Our heroes had returned to the town of Wook with the ruby skull and had decided to go to the ol Shafties to guzzle down a few Mountain Dews. Despite their watery content, they felt a nice buzz and were cheering and laughing at stupid jokes.

The barmen came over and quickly put down the check. Margaret looked at it and tapped Duncan on the shoulder.

"Said you'd get it".

Duncan laughed "Right, like I'd do that. Come on, I need to get that new crossbow. You get it this time."

Margaret grunted "Oh so that's how it's gonna be huh? You goin back on that shorty? I know I'm not paying."

The mood quickly soured. Sjin tried to vainly hold up his hands and mediate

"Come on surely we can resolve this without..."

"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" came two voices.

The shoating attracted the attention of their simply ally who came over axe in hand "What going on? I hear yelling!"

"We're just fighting..."

"FIGHTING!" yelled Honeydew raising his axe to fight. The others realized their mistake a bit too late, but with the buzz in their head felt ready to put an end to the squabbles the old fashioned way. The Shafties quickly cleared as people read the mood. The barman tried to interrupt but quickly decided better of it and ran away

Fight!

Honeydew charged the position of the other 3 and swung with a mighty slash of his greataxe. Sjin and Duncan nimbly avoided but Margaret was thrown across the room indenting into the wall.

Sjin quickly scuffled behind an upturned table. Internally he worried about Honeydew's cleave. A cleave could kill him and Duncan and possibly any civilians in the building, bringing it down.

Duncan having taken position behind the bar, quickly casted a spell of telekinesis to yank Honeydew's axe from him. 

Honeydew was not a smart dwarf, but most people would be quite surprised to find their weapon suddenly taken from their hands and flung to the side.

Duncan sprung up from behind the bar and attempted to launch a fireball at the unaware dwarf however the magic fizzled and only a few dull sparks came from his hands. However, as Honeydew turned with his hammer in hand to hit the gnome who wounded him the wise rat king knew he was going to use cleave to hit in range and charged him staff in hand to stop him.

It was only when the blow landed meekly on Honeydew's form, causing him to mildly grunt in pain did the rat king realize his mistake. Honeydew attempted to club the annoying rat over the head so quickly that the druid could only react on instinct and dodged out of the way. A skilled fighter, Honeydew prepared for this and simply pushed forward with his might knocking Sjin back to the edge of the bar. 

Duncan meanwhile was running his options through his hand knowing his fear scroll would do nothing against the brave dwarf and most of his other options would do little. However his choice was made for him as a loud yell signaled the return of Margaret who darted across the room yelling like a woman possessed and knocked Honeydew onto the town streets on the other side of the bar.

"Another one of your schemes gone awry..." said Sjin to Duncan, angry that their party had dissolved into this because of something so petty and with flashes of his loving father in my mind. 

Duncan approached with his robot arm drawn ready for whatever the druid could throw at him. He could not die now, the magic of the ring of power could give him so much if only he could survive long enough to learn it's true power. As he approached, Sjin stood, his wounds healed somewhat by the virtue magic.

Sjin and Duncan both flailed their staffs at each other, neither being truly proficient at fighting, though Sjin knowing he was quickly by the length of the robotic arm that Duncan was using. Duncan realized was something off as he began to corner Sjin....why was he allowing this tactic to go on...and not trying to escape like a rat?

It hit him suddenly....the gnome sniffed....the scent of the sewer..... he brought his robot arm down on a rat that had steathily tried to sneak up on him.

Sjin grimaced as cousin Maurice was crushed trying to take the ring from Duncan but determined not to waste the death he dashed forward and bashed him in the head, sending the little gnome to the ground. As Sjin approached the now disarmed wizard, he gripped the ring and muttered an incantation.

A brief sparkle appeared, the fizzling of the attempted illumination spell which was planned to blind the rat man. However Sjin in a panic covered his eyes with his hand giving the nimble gnome the chance to sweep his legs out from under him. The rat king dropped to his knees, holding his staff at the ready to hold Duncan back but Duncan had backed up and pulled out a scroll. 

A few words later an intense unbelivable fear had taken over Sjin's mind causing him to try to scurry away into the night.

Meanwhile out on the streets Honeydew and Margaret were clashing, their fistblow causing indents in the ground beneath them.

"You got surprise shot!" yelled Honeydew angrily "But you not win that way!"

And it was true, Honeydew was a more skilled fighter and evne stronger then Margaret. His blows knocked her back while hers only wore him down slightly. 

Margaret felt herself weaknening. She had wanted to prove herself his better on his terms but this was getting too dicey. She pulled out her lute but before she could begin playing, Honeydew reacted and charged forth smashing it.

However Margaret had another trick up her sleeve. Feeling the nature art of dance flow through her body, she moved nimbly and gracefully. The dwarf tried to assault her but felt himself become slowly entranced by her hypnotic motions....back and forth....back and forth....

The orc took advantage of her opportunity and summoned a new lute and qucikly strummed a tune singing in a melody that could make the gods take notice "You are gonna listen to me you dwarven b*tch!"

Honeydew attemped to drown out the noise and began striking the earth with his hammer. A great pit quickly formed in the ground with the noise of digging drowning out the music but Honeydew found himself exerted far quicker doing this then she was in her singing and fell under her sway. The bard smiled to herself and commanded Honeydew to fight the others for her.

At this time the rat king was scuttling away only to see the looming angry looking shadow of Honeydew moving in their direction. Caught between Duncan behind him and Honeydew in front of him , the rat-man came to a wise tactical decision and attempted to slink to the side. The gnome pursued him only to see a very threatening dwarf approaching the two of them.

"I only have one fireball charge left..." he thought to himself "better use it on the one that I can't take out any ther way!" and praying it worked he charged a fireball to hit the dwarf.

Honeydew seeing the glaring garish light of the Shafties illuminating the wizard that Margaret had sent him to fight charged at his figure only to see at the last moment a giant wall of flame approaching him.

Feeling his body melt, Honeydew was reduced to ash.

Margaret of course saw the huge inferno and attempted to steathily attack Duncan, for she did not know that Duncan had already used one charge of fireball. When she felt confident she was in range she began playing a lullaby tune to send her foes to sleep so she could deal with them without threat. However, little did she know the two had expected this and plugged their ears with robe fabric/rat fur.

The gnome felt confident at this and glibly said "Yeah, I knew what you were planning." before pulling out his robot arm to fight that he had retrieved. Margaret saw this and realized this meant he didn't have a fireball charge left and smiled with anticipation, pulling out her cutlass.

The gnome realized his mistake and when the orc charged him docked and dodged around her blows, lamely attempting to hit her with his arm. This attack actually did some damage to the bruised orc. 

From the shadows the rat king saw this and knew this was his opportunity attempted to lunge at Margaret with his staff to take down the biggest threat. Seeing the lunging rat man in the corner of her eye, the bard quickly threw her off arm to grab him and sent him flying giving Duncan the opportunity to attempt a lunge and hit her in the chest with her robot arm sending her flying. However as he attempted to press his advantage Margaret leaped up in a rage and slashed through the gnome's body with her cutlass, killing him instantly.

Margaret went to pursue the rat finding that he went into the large hole that Honeydew had made. She leapt down only to find it was much deeper then expected. In fact it actually went down into....

A vile scent assaulted her nostrils as she landed in the murky sewer water. All around her in the darkness countless pairs of tiny eyes were seen in the dark and a vast squeaking was heard.

Margaret roared in anger as she was swarmed by hundreds of rats. From a distance the rat king watched on, confident in his victory....until

A blazing light emerged in the sewers causing the painful scared squeaks of rats. Margaret almost seemed to float in midair as electrical blasts came from her lute, enough to kill a legion of orcs. Instinctively the rat king ran away knowing that this means.

Margaret blasted lightning after lightning at the vermin only for the electricity to spark and Margaret saw a flaming ball meters away as the lightning erupted the methane.

The orc was flung back onto the surface, crashing partly through the ground. Sjin breathed a sigh of relief that it was finally over but as he turned away a might yell came from behind him as he felt his own behind being assaulted by a mighty punch.

Sjin was catapuled into the sky exploding in a rain of blood. Margaret grunted and went back to tuning her lute.

K.O.

While all the members of the Yogsquest were inept as adventurers in some way, Margaret was only really inept in how unseriously she took the situation and whenever she got serious she was clearly the strongest one there, such as the mimic fight.

Margaret also was just overall the most versatile. She could keep up with Honeydew in melee, she had way better ranged attacks then anyone there, her lightning being functionally as deadly as Duncan's fireballs but way more consistent and spammable. While she was not the most agile, she could keep her distance pretty well just by her powerful ranged attacks.

Her magical sleep and mind manipulation are functionally one-shots except her mind hax can also get others to fight for her. Honeydew was the greatest threat to her via physical rushing and beatdown but he was also the one who wouldn't think of plugging their ears to not hear her music.

Margaret also had her enhanced charisma which acted as minor mind hax even without relying on her magic and would likely be able to work on Sjin and Duncan even if they tried to protect against her. Duncan and Sjin would both struggle to even harm her regardless, their strength doing very little and Duncan's fireballs not consistently working.

The biggest reason Margaret won was however not her strengths but her lack of big weaknesses. Honeydew's idiocy, Duncan's lack of physical ability and Sjin's lack of fighting spirit were all pretty big weaknesses that made it hard to think they would win. And while Margeret was lazy, she does get put in effort when she clearly has to and when she is really angry. The others could all be threats to each other but they were all inconsistent disruptable threats while Margaret is not a threat at the beginning when she doesn't care and then a nigh unstoppable threat when she actually does get motivated.

Overall Margaret just had the versatility and consistentcy to win in the long-term.

The winner is Pretty Margaret Battered-Bottom