Amir Valerie Blumenfeld (Jake and Amir) Respect Thread

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Welp, I said I would do this a long time ago as a goof. Here it is. A respect thread for Amir from Jake and Amir. Feel free to take this as seriously as you want to. Because J&A eps are a few minutes each at most I'm just gonna probably say what ep it's from.

Note: Only using Jake and Amir for continuity, since the hardly workings clearly can't all take place in the same canon.

Origin:

Amir's mom was a French-Canadian Queen and his dad was a coward who went AWOL during his time in Vietnam, faking his death 3 times over the span of 18 months and gave away the names and locations of over 1,000 of his comrades. For this he received the black heart, congressional medal of dishonor. (30th Birthday). Amir's mom drank whiskey while pregnant with Amir on purpose in an attempt to terminate her pregnancy (March Madness 7). This was unsuccessful and Amir was born in Northern Buffalo, spending all his time for the first several years of his life in a wood shed (Full Body Cast) save for when his parents attempted to teach him to drive at the age of 4. Amir's parents used to yell at him, taunt him and throw knives at him (Driving Lesson). However Amir's Dad was the butler of the Dad of collegehumor writer Murph. The two had a suicide pact but Amir's father chickened out at the last moment and Amir became indebted to Murph for life (Double Date Part 1). When Amir was 6 he was abducted from a shopping mall and survived off a steady diet of chicken mcnuggets for 5 years until he was found, having forgotten how to speak (Cousin) causing him to spend 9.5 years in Second Grade (Tutors). And worst of all, growing up, Amir's family moved...a lot. (Jake and Amir Finale Part 4).

All this chaos changed Amir into a being of chaos, both psychologically and physically, constantly inconsistent. That was until the day he met his coworker at Collegehumor Jake Hurwitz. Jake Hurwitz being the symbol of normalcy and the status quo at least in appearance caused Amir to develop an unhealthy obsession with him, and thus the series begins.

Strength:

+Amir casually pushes aside Pat with an unrealistic amount of force (Dating Coach Part 1)

+Amir's casual grab of Jake's shoulder hurts Jake (Crossover Puzzle)

+Amir causes Jake to bleed just by bumping into him (Camera)

+Amir ramming into Jake causes him to bleed (Cereal Part 2)

+Amir makes Jake profusely bleed from a single strike (You're it)

+Amir kicks off Jake's tongue (Tongue)

+Amir knocks out Jake with one punch (Ace and Jocelyn Shirt)

+While Jake has worn all 3 on-screen fights with Amir (Snack Attack, The Godfather, Airline Scam), it's likely especially given Amir's dialogue in the last one that Amir was holding back against his obsession Jake. When angry and Betrayed Amir overpowers Jake (Taste Test). Jake is strong enough to casually break bones (Rock Paper Scissors, Bake Sale), and is perfectly fine after claiming to have been hit by a bus earlier that morning (Jake's New Shirt)

+Amir casually rips through his own flesh and bone (Break a Leg)

+Amir tosses an M&M with enough force to knock out a tooth (Moment of Silence)

Durability:

+Amir twice over takes Jake hitting him in the head with a mug to try and render him unconscious without much damage though is pained (Jordan, Amnesia)

+Amir survives boiling split pea soup being spilled all over his face and neck without much damage (Split Pea Soup)

+Amir survives and can continue to talk normally after a pencil is thrown through his neck (Fish Scroll)

+Amir survives a glass container of orange juice exploding in his mouth (Beeper)

+Amir basically tanks breaking through a window and falling at least a story while naked (Lights Out)

Pain Resistance:

+Amir gets bitten by his snake 5 times, including once in the neck and is mostly fine (Snakebite)

+Amir twice has broken his neck and been completely fine (Last Night, Daughter)

+Amir acts fine and can continue to move his arm despite it being comically dislocated (Parkour)

+Amir castrates himself seemingly without feeling any pain (Jake and Amir Finale Part 6)

Stamina:

+Amir survives not eating for 3 Days (Labor Day)

+Amir survives trapped inside a vending machine for several days (Vending Machine)

+Amir is "very very sick" with numerous diseases and has eaten nothing but chicken nuggets for years and has survived (Health Insurance)

+Amir survives an unspecified but long amount of time unconscious in a stream (Community Service)

+Amir holds his breath for 17 minutes (World Record)

Speed:

+Amir has a lot of superhuman speed to subsonic speed feats (Bagels, Headshots, Homeland, Business Ideas, Cologne etc.) generally of Jake looking directly at Amir and Amir changing clothes or grabbing an item etc. in a single jumpcut, often with Jake noting how fast or weird that was. 

+Posts 1900 times on Reddit in one day (Reddit Part 2)

+Posts 3900 times on Reddit in one day (Reddit)

+Amir goes to Forever 21 and gets a shirt and comes back to the office in seconds (New Shirt)

+Goes from McDonalds to Work in seconds (Commute)

+Physically moves from Jake's house to the office in 6 seconds (Sick Day Part 3)

Stealth:

+Sneaks above Jake in his stall while he's in the bathroom without Jake noticing until Amir speaks (Sneaky)

+Expertly steals Jake's cereal and then hides from him in the same room in close quarters (Cereal Thief)

+Pulls Jake's Genitals out of his pants without Jake noticing (April Fools)

+Follows Jake home without him noticing (Going Home)

+Stealthily follows Jake from work all the way to an airport and on the same plane as him without him noticing (April Fools Part 1)

Equipment:

+Melee Weapons Include Hammer (Headache), Bat (Explanation), and Knives which can cut through fingers (Knives). He also uses a knife a second time (Karate) which may be the same as the one before

+Has used several types of firearms including a rifle (Weapons), a Kimber Stainless Raptor II (Ransom) and unknown firearms at several points (Moving Part 2, Fired)

+Has used an Astronaut Costume (Fired)

Summoning:

+Amir has many times conjured various pieces of equipment at will (Costume, Nutrition, Tissue, Ebay, Mirror Image, Carbs, Rap Teacher 2, Jacuzzi, Kobayashi, Trust Fall 2...probably more), suggesting he could summon his weapons as well if he needed too.

Teleporation:

+Teleports into a room prompting Jake to ask "WHAT are you?!" (Poster Ideas)

+Teleports inside a box (Happy Holidays)

 +Somehow goes from New York to California in one day suggesting either a high speed feat or long-distance teleportation. Given Amir's lazy attitude it's more likely the latter (Date Part 1)

Healing Factor:

+Regens the usage of his legs over night (Last Night)

+Claims to have had his tongue kicked off a week ago and would have had to regen it in at most a week (Tongue)

Bodily Control:

+Can stretch his arms freakishly long (Suggestion Box)

+Heart stops for 30 seconds at least and it doesn't bother him (Blood Donation)

+Can survive being compressed inside a blueberry muffin (Real Estate Agent Part 2, Jake and Amir Finale Part 2)

Intelligence/Skills:

+Tricks Jake to do what he wants (Couch)

+Knew Pat was lying about the bake sale (Bake Sale)

+Submitted a perfect march madness bracket (March Madness Part 5)

+Solved the Rubik's Cube without even looking at it or trying (Rubik's Cube)

+Skilled at Magic (Magic Trick)

+Is REALLY good at freestyle rapping (Rap Teacher 1, 2 and 3)

Mental Manipulation:

+Is really good at starting chants (Cereal, Fired, Food Poisoning, Bus)

+Somehow turns the crowd of normal business people against Jake including attacking him (Meeting Invitation)

+Implied to have mental abilities as a "promoter" (Laundry)

+Has the ability to manipulate people into doing what he wants, including the editor of his videos which is possibly the source of powers (Hoops)

Pre-Cog:

+Amir predicts events that are gonna happen at least a day ahead (Loud Movie, Thanksgiving Scroll, Fish Scroll)

4th Wall Abilities:

+Has on numerous occasions broken the fourth wall 

+Can choose the background song (High Five)

Other Abilities:

+Voice Mimicry: Does a freakishly good impression of Jake (One Almond)

+Technopathy: Chokes Doobs through a TV Screen/Pre-Recorded Message (Jake and Amir Finale Part 5)

+Highly Limited Form of Casuality Manipulation: Everytime Amir mentions the low point values of Football, a goal is immediatly hit (World Cup 2)

+Can possibly hit intangibles: Punches a ghost (Graveyard)

Weaknesses:

As a force of chaos, is physically and mentally inconsistent. Sometimes far dumber and weaker then his feats suggest. At times he has forgotten how to speak properly and became almost an animal (Celebration), didn't know how to spell Jake (Office Fantasy), and couldn't get out of a net a baby could (Mountain Hiker). Also is so lazy that he didn't want to rake a yard to get out of a lifetime jail sentence (Fourth of July Scroll) and is easily scared (Scared)

Personality: 

Has described himself as "a mix between Che Guevara, Bam Margera, Dom Irrera" (Bus). Has described himself as a "pro gun-control anti-abortion neonazi liberal lesbian rabbi" (Dating Apps). Was a staunch supporter of Gay Marriage (Gay Marriage) when it was illegal, a Communist who supports the USSR (Olympics) and also a Trump Supporter (Trump).

Basically speaking he is a force of chaos and anarchy. Whatever the status quo is, he isn't in a deliberately contradictory mess of everything that seeks to destroy order and normalcy.

 

Summary:

+Up to Wall Level Strength (Threw an M&M hard enough to knock out a tooth, can casually rip out bones, scales to Jake)

+Up to Wall Level Durability (Tanked falling at least 1 story out a window naked, survived strikes from Jake who can casually break bones)

+High Pain Resistance and Stamina

+At Least Supersonic, Possibly Hypersonic (Can casually travel large distances between city blocks at least) in seconds

+Proficient in Stealth

+Teleportation (Likely Thousands of Kilometers)

+Voice Mimicry

+Bodily Control (Can fit inside a muffin)

+Regen overtime (Likely High-Low)

+Summoning (Material Objects)

+Weapons (Guns, Knives, Hammer, Bat, Astronaut Outfit)

+Up to Clever Intelligence

+Pre-Cog

+Mental Manipulation

+Technopathy

+Fourth Wall Breaking

+Can play background music

+Highly Limited Causality Manipulation

+Possibly can hit intangibles

-Inconsistent Physical and Mental Abilities

-Lazy

-Easily Scared

Oh and just so you know, I did this as a goof.

Top 5 Guilty Pleasures

A guilty pleasure is different from something that you think is good but is unpopular. A guilty pleasure is something you enjoy but recognize serious problems in. It's opposite is something that you dislike but respect, in my view. 

I don't...how to put this, if someone gives a principle of their enjoyment, a rule, and then says they dislike something I like because it follows or contradicts that rule then to me that's very understandable. 

However when someone says they don't like something I like for things I don't view as legitimate points about the work, I become irrationally annoyed. I also do with works I don't like. I do not like Revolutionary Girl Utena, but I have seen people criticize it for reasons that are irrational and similarly got highly annoyed. 

With that said, there are definite things that are "flaws" or otherwise points that people in general dislike that I simply don't mind very much that appear in some of my favorite works. Examples:

1: Corniness: Stuff like the power of love, the power of hope, the power of friendship or positive thinking or eating your vegetables...I really don't mind these kind of themes. If anything, I'm kind of a saccharine person, I like works with sweet awwwwww moments, that wallow in idealism and optimism. If you are the type to mentally gag at ultra-sweetness and cuteness then yeah I can understand not liking some of my favorite stuff. 

2: Preachyness: A lot of my favorite works I will completely admit are very heavy handed, and preach their message very directly and forcefully. I really don't mind this, and enjoy the intensity of the message. If you don't like my favorite works because they're all heavy handed and not subtle enough, then fair enough, my favorite works are usually not that subtle about their themes. 

3: Sexuality: If the above two makes me sound very family friendly due to lack of edginess well....sorta. I am not a very edgy person, and am not fond of excessive gore or irreverence, but the content I like can sometimes have heavy sexuality. I'm a rather sex-positive person and honestly just don't mind eroticism in art, even when it doesn't "appeal" to me. Fanservice at worst makes me shrug and sexual characters I often find fun and/or interesting. If you are not as sex-positive as me, then I imagine this might prove less comfortable for you. 

4: Exposition: I know logically "showing is better then telling" but honestly don't mind if a verse takes a quick exposition break to explain a bunch. Sure it's not that exciting but it seems very efficient a way of conveying information. That said I know most people dislike heavy exposition.

5: Repetitive/Unsurprising Plot Structure: This one is hard to explain why I don't mind it. A lot of my favorite series are on the predictable side and repeat a similar plot structure. I guess in general I prefer ht familiar to the unknown, so I don't mind having a smaller variance between what just happened and what is happening. If you really want a series to surprise you, I can understand not liking some of my favorite series.

All of these are perfectly legitimate reasons to dislike something that are in a lot of my favorite series that I don't mind personally but also would understand as perfectly acceptable reasons to dislike them.

I say all this to help explain why some of the below I enjoy even if they have relatively large problems. 

5: Papillon Rose

Papillon Rose is what Panty and Stocking probably seems like to moral prudes. Which is unfair, only 90% of P&S's jokes are about sex lol

Note this is specifically the OVA. The Anime afterwards was just depressingly boring. The OVA is just a bunch of sex jokes disguised as a magical girl parody (as well as a blatant sailor moon reference and a blatant cutie honey reference). I'm gonna be honest, I only really like it because I have a bit of an immature sense of humor when it comes to sex jokes. Otherwise it's pretty unremarkable. 

The characters are really flat, the plot was basically just an excuse to have girls in sexy attire fight, and there's also beastiality which was...unpleasant.

Regardless I thought it was pretty humorous.

That said the anime is really boring because it has everything the ova has but without the sex jokes.

4: Sailor Moon Abridged

Everyone has a favorite Abridged series. Most often it seems to be Yu-gi-oh! Abridged or DBZ Abridged. Sometimes it's One Piece Abridged or Hellsing Abridged or Sword Art Online Abridged (which is my favorite btw). SMA came out back when a new abridged series was being started for every mildly popular anime or anime-esque series to make an abridged series for. And like a whole 10% were good!

I like Megami33 and the SMA cast. They seem really cool and their bloopers are probably the funniest part of SMA....which leads to the biggest problem... namely that the bloopers are the funniest part of SMA. 

SMA is not a DBZA or a YGOA. It's a lot cruder constructed with characters that are even more of caricatures then most Abridged Series. That said maybe it's just because I like SM so much but I really do still enjoy SMA and some jokes are just classics for me. That said a lot of the jokes are really predictable due to the characters being kind of one-note. Regardless, SMA still holds a soft place in my heart.

 

3: Tarot, Witch of the Black Rose

An independently made comic series about the witch Tarot that has lots and lots of fanservice.

As I mentioned above, I don't really mind fanservice, even when it doesn't really make sense. People also seem to dislike the proportions of the bodies of the characters. That's understandable but to be honest I'm not really a sensory person, I'm more of an abstract thinker kind of person so something having not the best visuals is not a huge problem to me, and from what I can tell most of the art is perfectly fine, it's just the proportions and body movements people dislike.

Series also has really strong and heavy-handed themes about bigotry and all the sort of themes of neo-paganism like being environmentally unconscious and do no harm and stuff of the sort. Again as I mentioned above that's something that doesn't really bother me.

I like Tarot personally because I like magic and occult related things in general, I think the series has a lot of really cool moments (I mean one issue has Tarot having to fight a Dragon Sorcerer naked on a snowy mountaintop to protect her cat familiar, having to fight quickly or she'll freeze to death, and that's just a normal issue for her....that seems cool to me). I also generally agree with themes of the series and think it's neo-pagan inspirations are cool.

2: Tomorrowland

Oh Tomorrowland....here's a film that I really like, but I REALLY get the dislike for. You have to be REALLY open to sappy corny to get past that, I get it.

I get the film's problems, they are there. It's even for things I like very heavy-handed. It's very sappy. It has pretty glaring plot holes. All of these I understand but don't really trouble me at all. I don't like how the middle of the film turns into a road trip film where they just go from place to place a bunch of times but that ending...

I adore the ending quarter of this movie or so. The message is so heavy handed, but I enjoyed it so very much because it's exactly how I think. and I'm gonna be honest, for all the hate this movie gets, for reasons that are sometimes undeserved sometimes pretty deserved, Governor Nix's speech near the end of the film is probably one of my favorite speeches of any villain ever. 

Yes it's a very very corny family friendly Disney Live-Action Film and yes it has the exact problems you would imagine from that combination of words, but I really feel like there's something really good here.

1: DC Comic's The New 52

This is a bit of a weird one because it's not so much that I am saying I like what people don't like here, but more so there are good things to like that packaged in with the things you don't like.

When the New 52 was announced a lot of heavy DC fans were understandably upset because it seemed an erasure of legacy, which is bad and important to remember. That said now that the new 52 has been integrated with the prior continuity, can we stop sweeping everything that came out of DC for the entire 5 year New 52 Period with one big generalization. The New 52 has some really bad series, yes. It had a lot of continuity problems. But it did have some good series too. 

The first New 52 Wonder Woman arc is among my favorite Wonder Woman Arcs. The New 52 Justice League Dark was cool and had an amazing ending with Pralaya. The New 52 Aquaman was so good the recent movie was made by it. Geoff Johns was a pretty good writer and he wrote a bunch of this stuff in this period. I hear good things about Demon Knights and the Batman stories of this time period. The New 52 Starfire solo series was finally a Starfire solo series and it was exactly what I wanted for the character even if it was a massive continuity mess. 

Yes, the New 52 Superman stuff started out kind of awkward. Yes the New 52 Teen Titans and Superboy stuff was lackluster. Yes Red Hood and the Outlaws was pretty terrible and exploitative. The fact that I don't mind Starfire being even more sexual then she was in the Post-Crisis days doesn't change the fact that like everything else about her was wrong in that depiction. Yes integrating Wildstorm went terribly and messed with one of my favorite ships ie Apollo x Midnighter. 

A lot of things were not great but there was still some pretty good stuff and I would really like if people stopped making the sweeping claim that nothing good came out of DC for like 5 years. I'm gonna be honest, I prefer the New 52 to the Silver Age, although only just. 

So yeah, I have some guilty pleasures. I don't have many and it was honestly hard to find 5 of them, but yeah. These are some things I enjoy but recognize have like really big problems. 

How they Compare: Dark King

Outside our dimension, called the garden of rainbows by the extra-dimensional beings, lies the two parallel dimensions, the dimension of light called the garden of light and the dimension of darkness, called the dotsuki zone, or dark zone. The main world of the Dark Zone exists in a great vortex of darkness caused by the supreme emperor of the Dark Zone known as Dark King. Where he comes from is unknown, though he is said to be the most evil being in existence, dedicated to the destruction of all other the worlds.

His malevolence manifests in the supreme power of the Dark Zone, the power of destruction opposed to the power of creation the supreme power of the Garden of Light. The Dark King seeks to gain the power of creation to gain unrivaled power.

The Dark King's power manifests primarily in her sheer capacity, able to casually destroy any of his underlings with ease. The Dark King's power was of such strength that with his rage he was able to casually explode a star and it's surrounding planet. Even when the 3 Dark Seeds, beings with aspects of his power gained the power of creation to equal his power of destruction he was able to equal the three of them in combat. And this was in his base state.

When he was able to absorb the power of creation, his power was such that it was causing space and time to come undone, creating cracks across spacetime, shaking the universe requiring his opposite Light Queen to stabilize it. It was suggested that if Dark King was not stopped, his power would have brought destruction unto all the worlds. Dark King was also arguably stronger when he re-incarnated, claiming to have the power to destroy the Garden of Light with a singular attack.

Dark King is also likely durable on the stellar level+. Even Light Queen his equal stated she could not defeat him, and it took Pretty Cure and Light Queen together to defeat him.

Dark King is also very fast. The Dark Seeds far weaker then him were able to casually fly inter-planetary and inter-dimensional distances, demonstrating FTL and Inter-Dimensional Capabilities. Dark King is also capable seeming of attacking across dimensions.

The Dark King has a number of abilities as well. He can project energy as energy beams, and control darkness. His darkness manipulation was so potent that after absorbing the power of creation, he was stated to be able to envelop all the worlds in darkness.

The Dark King has the ability to absorb or "swallow" other beings or energies. He did that to absorb the rebellious dark seeds with the power of creation absorbed. 

He also has the ability to summon much weaker entities to serve his will.

The Dark King in his base state has a large weakness. The Power of Destruction is of such malevolence that it damages him greatly to use it's power, and so he usually relies on his minions rather then get involved personally. The Power of Creation can counteract this, allowing him to use the Power of Destruction freely. This is represents by his rage, which blinds him from thinking clearly.

Name: Dark King

Origin: Pretty Cure

Classification: Embodiment of Destruction, Dark Emperor

Powers and Abilities: Enhanced Stats, Energy Projection, Darkness Manipulation, Absorption, Summoning, Inter-Dimensional Travel, Spatial Manipulation (with the Power of Creation)

Weakness: Without the power of creation, the power of destruction harms him to use. His rage can blind him.

Destructive Capability: Stellar in Base, Potentially Universal with Power of Creation

Range: Inter-Stellar and Inter-Dimensional

Speed: FTL

Durability: Stellar+

Lifting Strength: Unknown

Striking Strength: Stellar Class

Stamina: Low normally as his own power harms to use, Very high with the power of creation

Standard Equipment: None

Intelligence: Above Average (Ancient Entity with lots of experience with tactics)

So how would he do in other verses?

In the DC Comics-Verse, the Dark King would be a drastic threat during the New 52 Era, due to having raw power over most of the Earth Metahumans, though he would be a speed disadvantage against the stronger Earthlings if he tried to battle directly instead of via another dimension (though DC Magicians and Super-Scientists do have inter-dimensional capacity). If he is strictly base, he might be overwhelmed by raw power and numbers, but if he has the power of creation he would be very difficult to stop and require a hax or the like to beat. He would do much worse in any stronger era.

In the Marvel Comics verse, Dark King would be rather interestingly placed, having power on the level of a Herald Entity but speed comparable to a Metahuman level entity. He would be a massive threat if none of the Herald Level Entities can interfere as inter-dimensional capacity is somewhat rare though again Magicians and Super-Scientists do have inter-dimensional capability. That said He would not be able to do much against even lower level herald level entities due to raw speed and versatility unless he gets a lucky shot in.

 

In the Sailor Moon verse, Dark King would be a powerful threat for the first two arcs, having stellar level power and ftl speed regardless of version, though the upper bounds of the second arc are likely too hax for him. That said with the power of creation would allow him to briefly rise to the power of the strongest Sailor Crystals, specifically the Silver, Golden, Saphir and Black Crystals which means even up to the fifth arc his power would be notable. He would likely be on par with the strongest members of the first arc and most of the members of the second arc. It doesn't help that inter-dimensional capabilities are very common. He could become a theoretically much stronger threat if he begins absorbing entities to use their magic. 

In the Dragon Ball Universe, Dark King's relative standing depends a lot on what you think of Cell's Solar System Statement. Either way, his FTL Speed, Absorption and Stellar Power, he is likely either about on par with Super Perfect Cell or Base Majin Buu in terms of manga continuity. While his universe-busting power might be technically on par with the Super Saiyan Gods, he has neither the precision nor durability of one of them and would also get speedblitzed. He has a few neat abilities for the verse like Darkness Manipulation and Summoning, but his absorption is nothing new for the verse and so he would likely qualify as another strong villain. 

In the Saint Seiya verse Dark King would be on par with someone first activating their 7th sense giving the abilities to fly at the speed of light and and crush stars with their fists. His absorption would be a fairly unique ability, and despite lacking the atomic manipulation of the verse, if he has the power of creation he could probably defeat the lowest bracket of 7th sense users. That said any Gold Saint would be able to beat him easily.

In the Bayonetta-verse, Dark King would qualify as a Top Tier Demon with some unique weaknesses. If taken on quickly enough, he would be fairly easy to beat as he does not seem to have the abilities to see the invisible or hit intangible enemies. That said if allowed to grow in power he could absorb the verse fodder and gain those abilities becoming far more dangerous. If allowed to grow in power he would have power comparable to a top tier like Jubileus and Queen Sheba. With the power of creation he would be able to threaten the trinity of realities just as he threatened the garden of rainbows, the garden of light and the dark zone with his power. However while he would be a massive threat, he could likely still be beaten one on one by someone like Bayonetta due to the power of her time manipulation, general versatility, as well as being able to manipulate his rage.