Welp, I said I would do this a long time ago as a goof. Here it is. A respect thread for Amir from Jake and Amir. Feel free to take this as seriously as you want to. Because J&A eps are a few minutes each at most I'm just gonna probably say what ep it's from.
Note: Only using Jake and Amir for continuity, since the hardly workings clearly can't all take place in the same canon.
Origin:
All this chaos changed Amir into a being of chaos, both psychologically and physically, constantly inconsistent. That was until the day he met his coworker at Collegehumor Jake Hurwitz. Jake Hurwitz being the symbol of normalcy and the status quo at least in appearance caused Amir to develop an unhealthy obsession with him, and thus the series begins.
Strength:
+Amir casually pushes aside Pat with an unrealistic amount of force (Dating Coach Part 1)
+Amir's casual grab of Jake's shoulder hurts Jake (Crossover Puzzle)
+Amir causes Jake to bleed just by bumping into him (Camera)
+Amir ramming into Jake causes him to bleed (Cereal Part 2)
+Amir makes Jake profusely bleed from a single strike (You're it)
+Amir kicks off Jake's tongue (Tongue)
+Amir knocks out Jake with one punch (Ace and Jocelyn Shirt)
+While Jake has worn all 3 on-screen fights with Amir (Snack Attack, The Godfather, Airline Scam), it's likely especially given Amir's dialogue in the last one that Amir was holding back against his obsession Jake. When angry and Betrayed Amir overpowers Jake (Taste Test). Jake is strong enough to casually break bones (Rock Paper Scissors, Bake Sale), and is perfectly fine after claiming to have been hit by a bus earlier that morning (Jake's New Shirt)
+Amir casually rips through his own flesh and bone (Break a Leg)
+Amir tosses an M&M with enough force to knock out a tooth (Moment of Silence)
Durability:
+Amir twice over takes Jake hitting him in the head with a mug to try and render him unconscious without much damage though is pained (Jordan, Amnesia)
+Amir survives boiling split pea soup being spilled all over his face and neck without much damage (Split Pea Soup)
+Amir survives and can continue to talk normally after a pencil is thrown through his neck (Fish Scroll)
+Amir survives a glass container of orange juice exploding in his mouth (Beeper)
+Amir basically tanks breaking through a window and falling at least a story while naked (Lights Out)
Pain Resistance:
+Amir gets bitten by his snake 5 times, including once in the neck and is mostly fine (Snakebite)
+Amir twice has broken his neck and been completely fine (Last Night, Daughter)
+Amir acts fine and can continue to move his arm despite it being comically dislocated (Parkour)
+Amir castrates himself seemingly without feeling any pain (Jake and Amir Finale Part 6)
Stamina:
+Amir survives not eating for 3 Days (Labor Day)
+Amir survives trapped inside a vending machine for several days (Vending Machine)
+Amir is "very very sick" with numerous diseases and has eaten nothing but chicken nuggets for years and has survived (Health Insurance)
+Amir survives an unspecified but long amount of time unconscious in a stream (Community Service)
+Amir holds his breath for 17 minutes (World Record)
Speed:
+Amir has a lot of superhuman speed to subsonic speed feats (Bagels, Headshots, Homeland, Business Ideas, Cologne etc.) generally of Jake looking directly at Amir and Amir changing clothes or grabbing an item etc. in a single jumpcut, often with Jake noting how fast or weird that was.
+Posts 1900 times on Reddit in one day (Reddit Part 2)
+Posts 3900 times on Reddit in one day (Reddit)
+Amir goes to Forever 21 and gets a shirt and comes back to the office in seconds (New Shirt)
+Goes from McDonalds to Work in seconds (Commute)
+Physically moves from Jake's house to the office in 6 seconds (Sick Day Part 3)
Stealth:
+Sneaks above Jake in his stall while he's in the bathroom without Jake noticing until Amir speaks (Sneaky)
+Expertly steals Jake's cereal and then hides from him in the same room in close quarters (Cereal Thief)
+Pulls Jake's Genitals out of his pants without Jake noticing (April Fools)
+Follows Jake home without him noticing (Going Home)
+Stealthily follows Jake from work all the way to an airport and on the same plane as him without him noticing (April Fools Part 1)
Equipment:
+Melee Weapons Include Hammer (Headache), Bat (Explanation), and Knives which can cut through fingers (Knives). He also uses a knife a second time (Karate) which may be the same as the one before
+Has used several types of firearms including a rifle (Weapons), a Kimber Stainless Raptor II (Ransom) and unknown firearms at several points (Moving Part 2, Fired)
+Has used an Astronaut Costume (Fired)
Summoning:
+Amir has many times conjured various pieces of equipment at will (Costume, Nutrition, Tissue, Ebay, Mirror Image, Carbs, Rap Teacher 2, Jacuzzi, Kobayashi, Trust Fall 2...probably more), suggesting he could summon his weapons as well if he needed too.
Teleporation:
+Teleports into a room prompting Jake to ask "WHAT are you?!" (Poster Ideas)
+Teleports inside a box (Happy Holidays)
+Somehow goes from New York to California in one day suggesting either a high speed feat or long-distance teleportation. Given Amir's lazy attitude it's more likely the latter (Date Part 1)
Healing Factor:
+Regens the usage of his legs over night (Last Night)
+Claims to have had his tongue kicked off a week ago and would have had to regen it in at most a week (Tongue)
Bodily Control:
+Can stretch his arms freakishly long (Suggestion Box)
+Heart stops for 30 seconds at least and it doesn't bother him (Blood Donation)
+Can survive being compressed inside a blueberry muffin (Real Estate Agent Part 2, Jake and Amir Finale Part 2)
Intelligence/Skills:
+Tricks Jake to do what he wants (Couch)
+Knew Pat was lying about the bake sale (Bake Sale)
+Submitted a perfect march madness bracket (March Madness Part 5)
+Solved the Rubik's Cube without even looking at it or trying (Rubik's Cube)
+Skilled at Magic (Magic Trick)
+Is REALLY good at freestyle rapping (Rap Teacher 1, 2 and 3)
Mental Manipulation:
+Is really good at starting chants (Cereal, Fired, Food Poisoning, Bus)
+Somehow turns the crowd of normal business people against Jake including attacking him (Meeting Invitation)
+Implied to have mental abilities as a "promoter" (Laundry)
+Has the ability to manipulate people into doing what he wants, including the editor of his videos which is possibly the source of powers (Hoops)
Pre-Cog:
+Amir predicts events that are gonna happen at least a day ahead (Loud Movie, Thanksgiving Scroll, Fish Scroll)
4th Wall Abilities:
+Has on numerous occasions broken the fourth wall
+Can choose the background song (High Five)
Other Abilities:
+Voice Mimicry: Does a freakishly good impression of Jake (One Almond)
+Technopathy: Chokes Doobs through a TV Screen/Pre-Recorded Message (Jake and Amir Finale Part 5)
+Highly Limited Form of Casuality Manipulation: Everytime Amir mentions the low point values of Football, a goal is immediatly hit (World Cup 2)
+Can possibly hit intangibles: Punches a ghost (Graveyard)
Weaknesses:
As a force of chaos, is physically and mentally inconsistent. Sometimes far dumber and weaker then his feats suggest. At times he has forgotten how to speak properly and became almost an animal (Celebration), didn't know how to spell Jake (Office Fantasy), and couldn't get out of a net a baby could (Mountain Hiker). Also is so lazy that he didn't want to rake a yard to get out of a lifetime jail sentence (Fourth of July Scroll) and is easily scared (Scared)
Personality:
Has described himself as "a mix between Che Guevara, Bam Margera, Dom Irrera" (Bus). Has described himself as a "pro gun-control anti-abortion neonazi liberal lesbian rabbi" (Dating Apps). Was a staunch supporter of Gay Marriage (Gay Marriage) when it was illegal, a Communist who supports the USSR (Olympics) and also a Trump Supporter (Trump).
Basically speaking he is a force of chaos and anarchy. Whatever the status quo is, he isn't in a deliberately contradictory mess of everything that seeks to destroy order and normalcy.
Summary:
+Up to Wall Level Strength (Threw an M&M hard enough to knock out a tooth, can casually rip out bones, scales to Jake)
+Up to Wall Level Durability (Tanked falling at least 1 story out a window naked, survived strikes from Jake who can casually break bones)
+High Pain Resistance and Stamina
+At Least Supersonic, Possibly Hypersonic (Can casually travel large distances between city blocks at least) in seconds
+Proficient in Stealth
+Teleportation (Likely Thousands of Kilometers)
+Voice Mimicry
+Bodily Control (Can fit inside a muffin)
+Regen overtime (Likely High-Low)
+Summoning (Material Objects)
+Weapons (Guns, Knives, Hammer, Bat, Astronaut Outfit)
+Up to Clever Intelligence
+Pre-Cog
+Mental Manipulation
+Technopathy
+Fourth Wall Breaking
+Can play background music
+Highly Limited Causality Manipulation
+Possibly can hit intangibles
-Inconsistent Physical and Mental Abilities
-Lazy
-Easily Scared
Oh and just so you know, I did this as a goof.
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